CHARLESTON AIR FORCE BASE, S.C. –
Actor and comedian Alan King said, "Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers."
French author François Duc de La Rochefoucauld said, "Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy."
Many comedians and Hollywood executives have made a fortune making fun of marriage and domestic conflict. The reason they are successful is because many people can identify with the joke and have "been there." The reality is the actual fighting is not funny, and if not done correctly, it will not solve the problem at hand.
In the spirit of football season, below are some rules for "successful fighting."
· Both sides must agree to "play" - Do not insist on fighting when the other person is unable to because they are drunk, working or taking care of the children. A good fight requires two players.
· The conditions must be appropriate - Just like football should be played on a proper field, domestic arguments have a proper time and place. Do not start an argument with a spouse in front of company or in public. Wait to talk about the issue privately.
· Skirmish, battle or war - Not every disagreement is cause for a four quarter game. Sometimes a play or two is all it takes. Make sure the emotional reaction fits the situation.
· Get on the line - Argue about the real issue, not the "sideline" issues. An argument about current equal household chores is not the time to bring up the entire list of things that are annoying "while we are at it" or "since we are on the subject." While there may be other valid topics of discussion, stick to the topic until it is resolved before moving on to another.
· Focus on the game at hand - Stick to the present, do not bring up old issues or "remember whens." Leave the past in the past. Talk about the present and the future because those are the only two times you can change.
· Don't fight to win - Fight for a common goal, for a workable resolution, not just to be the winner of the fight.
· Time out - Fighting should be time limited. It should not last forever. If you need a break to calm down, take one, but make sure to come back to the "game." Even if you can only agree to disagree, a resolution must be found.
· No unsportsmanlike conduct - Name calling and character assassinations are fouls and will only be a setback. Violence is forbidden. Respect the partner's feelings.
· Call an "official" if one is needed - Sometimes couples cannot solve problems on their own and need some help. Sometimes a new set of eyes and ears is needed, or sometimes more.
Family Advocacy can help. Call them at 963-6972 and be a marriage "most valuable player."